If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
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‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
ATMs should have breathalyzers
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.