Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
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Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
My rap name is When i$ Lunch