“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
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SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
everyone’s a critic
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me