The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
You Might Also Like
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Wikigenius
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.