arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
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Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.