*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
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Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
*serious situation*
My brain:
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”