never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
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My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
me opening up to someone
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”