I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
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[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Me too 😆
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts