The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
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If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
What even happened today?
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.