Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
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I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Something Saturday.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁