I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
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If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Bootstraps
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.