Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
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Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”