Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
You Might Also Like
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?