He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
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The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Cheer up.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
That 👊