me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
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So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
A new level of troll.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Woke up against my better judgment again
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.