I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
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When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.