What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
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Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
TRAIN’S HERE
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
me adding lol on a serious message
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
(Jupiter –
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”