MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
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*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Her: Still no
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.