[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
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[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
how much for the angry fruit?
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Yoga Matt
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”