Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
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GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying