It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
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The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)