They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
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[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Noted.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
never deleting this app.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
White parent Vs Arab parents
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free