thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
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Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I have a new favorite meme page
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy