Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
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I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green