We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
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#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end