*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
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Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
(2022)