Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
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I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
oh shit
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.