My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
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#titanic
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.