[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
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I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
good let them take over I have had enough
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”