I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
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“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
How do you milk an almond?
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.