Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
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I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
*pronounces woah like Noah*
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.