I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
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Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man