Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
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ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.