Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
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GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Seems a bit forward
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.