My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
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look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”