Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
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I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Hard not to take this personally
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂