I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
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I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.