I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
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Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses