A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
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I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet