Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
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Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
My neck, my back, my…
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me