I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
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I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
The fall of Netflix
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.