Who else does this 馃う馃徑馃槀
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cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
If you don鈥檛 like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you鈥ell, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
me at 20: i鈥檒l do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
JUDGE: I鈥檓 going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don鈥檛 care how you do it
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn鈥檛 it?
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there鈥檚 no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don鈥檛 you dare!
Me: It鈥檚 a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it鈥檚 like you鈥檙e on top of a mountain, inhaling the world鈥檚 largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I鈥檒l give you $100 if you go to bed.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to r茅sum茅.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine鈥檚 Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids