Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
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What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
What about a To-Don’t List?
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Lmao
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.