3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
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On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Always leave the cult better than you found it.