10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
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No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
good work, everybody
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door