Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
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Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story