Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
You Might Also Like
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…