Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
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My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.