I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
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[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night