I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
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Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas