One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
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[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
crying
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.